End of October (almost)

This month has been a challenging month and there were many things going on, but as the temperatures drop and the light softens by late afternoon I realize how much I love this time of year --- the mood, the atmosphere, jacket weather.....

A good friend once remarked to me some time ago that, after her father had passed in early October, she'd been unable to find any joy in Halloween because she did not want to be reminded of death, not after such a recent loss. I had understood. Sally and I also experienced a loss earlier in the month. I'm sure the month changed course as a result, though I'm not sure in what way, but last Monday was Sally's oldest daughter's birthday. I will let her talk more about that, but it was a beautiful night to be with her family and friends, and in-laws, and maybe even her ex! The house felt warm and friendly, and we enjoyed a mac-and-cheese bake off!

I will help Sally with the music links and..... we found her camera! So maybe we can post a pic or too. Nothing to report on the movie front, except for "The Social Network" which we saw about 10 days ago. I was psyched for the Phillies to make it to and win the World Series, but alas this wasn't 2008.

Harry.

Harry,

You know I love you and I know you love me.

Does anything else matter?

There are many other considerations
but
do any of them matter?
Really?

October Sunday

A perfect Sunday with Sally... Nothing more to say.

Re-Entry

A death in your family-friend orbit is complicated and multidimensional as you share the experience with the people impacted. Each has a different role, a different level of maturity, a different relationship to you and of course to all the other people you have relationships with. In the case of my friend K's recent loss of her husband to cancer I found myself experiencing it in several ways. First, there was anguish for my friend, to lose her mate and best friend, after struggling so valiantly. There was also an element of "how unfair of the universe" which I realize is probably always at the heart of dealing with death. Maybe not if the person is ninety seven and dies in his sleep, but this was not the case here. K's husband was 57, (Harry's age!) and had been a healthy, practical person, a dedicated teacher, father, husband. Together he and K seem to have done everything right. A mutual friend said, just before the death, "if ever anyone deserved a miracle, it's K " and I agree. And any death, but especially one close to you, reminds you or your own inevitable death. This time, for me; there was also the thought of losing Harry. Finally there was my younger daughter - her best friend's father; someone who'd been a surrogate dad in many ways when she was younger. Her best friend dealing with the loss of a parent at far too young an age. And of course, the realization that she will one day lose her own parents. . . added to this was the knowledge that she (my daughter) had struggled with depression in her last year of HS and was adapting to a major change (life at college, far away.)

It's been some weeks now, and life has resumed for everyone. That too, is sad. I found the funeral card yesterday, under a pile of mail near the front door. The smiling photograph of K's husband. I won't see that smile again.

Retirement - Posted by Harry

Last weekend Sally and I visited our friends in Delaware. The friends have recently moved into a new house in a "planned" community about 10 minutes from Lewes and Rehoboth Beach.

We had a fine weekend, dining on lobster Saturday evening, sitting on the beach Sunday afternoon feeling the embracing warmth of the sun on a cloudless day with temperatures in the 70s. Our friends new house was beautiful, spacious and yet cozy at the same time. They're retired. They're gardening. They're landscaping. They dine out a lot and frequently have house guests and parties. Rick is busy with making art which he's been doing since college. His entire basement is a studio and informal gallery and it's quite impressive.

I'm not sure if I could live in a retirement community, or a planned or gated community, and this is an individual choice or preference, I'm not saying it to cast aspersions on my friends' lifestyle (which looks wonderful) or possibly followers of this blog. Because it is compelling to consider finally settling down with little to deal with or worry about. It makes a lot of sense. You don't have to be old to live in this particular development, which Sally and I thought was one of the more livable in the area. One of our friends neighbors is a young couple with small children. The grounds are impeccably designed and pleasant. There is a gym and entertainment center. There is less evidence of rural or semi-rural sprawl.

Sally and I could not afford a home in one of those communities but I don't really see us living in one if we could afford it. I guess I see retirement as "every day is a weekend" kind of feeling and that's great, no problem there. But I don't see why we couldn't do that and stay in our house, which is most likely how retirement may end up playing out for us. And based on what we would collect from social security (we have no pensions, Rick has a 30-year railroad pension after retiring from Amtrak) the wages would not even cover our living expenses so we would both have to either live off additional income from investments (scant) and keep working in current "you're-over-the-hill" careers or find new work that may help defray the cost of living. I guess if retirement means I would pretty much have every day to do what I please, then sign me up!

Be that as it may, we're happy for our friends and we're happy too!

Update

My friend's husband died last night, right around the time I was writing the last post. I got her graceful and heartbreaking message just now. I knew already, since my daughter texted me this morning, but Claire's words on the screen made it real. My daughter is coming home on Sunday to be with her friend.

Posted by Sally