A New Beginning

I think what anyone who has gotten through a long but not terribly happy marriage to wash up on the shores of being single at an advanced age (I won't tell you how long but still) would hope for, and think they knew all about, Successful Relating. You know, believing that all those stupid pointless fights they'd had with the first, inferior, spouse; were just about being young, uninformed, insensitive.

Thinking that you would NOT make the same mistakes, given a partner who REALLY loves you and is on the same page. (because in the OLD marriage, that was never the case)

It's a seductive idea but not remotely true.

The old stuff comes back. You hear your sweet new beloved yelling at you (in the heat of argument, but still) you always do that! You're mean to me!

- and your heart quails, remembering ancient arguments and pointless battles repeated . . .over and over. Things you had almost forgotten - but the sad sinking in your abdomen; not forgotten. The old painful refrain of . . why do this, why even try? is too familiar, and way too depressing to hold on to. So what am I saying here, exactly?

Not sure. I think I am just pointing out that even new beginnings by well-meaning oldsters (those who think they know the drill) are fraught with the same crap we all encountered as beginners. What a drag.

As I write, my dear friend C is in a hospital, waiting for her husband, who has rectal cancer and has, together with her and the rest of his loving family, fought it for the last two years, with every bit of energy he and his family could muster on his behalf. His youngest daughter is my younger girl's best friend. Both are freshman year programs at different schools. He is brain-dead, apparently. My heart fails me. .. Claire, dear friend, how to understand this; the loved husband and father. .. .
For the two (youngest) kids : One of them mine: What can I say t o a child losing a parent?

To her (Charlie and Claire's girl): Darling girl: Your father and your mother want you to be YOU, nothing less, nothing more. My girl ( C & C's best friend, since kindergarten) Please my darling, You are a good friend to Colleen, and I am glad that you are. Being a friend to one who is in pain, or trouble, is a special blessing.

As your momma (sic) I worry about your - mind set, as it is -are you okay? Happy? willing to talk to dreary adults who love/worry about you?