Re-Entry

A death in your family-friend orbit is complicated and multidimensional as you share the experience with the people impacted. Each has a different role, a different level of maturity, a different relationship to you and of course to all the other people you have relationships with. In the case of my friend K's recent loss of her husband to cancer I found myself experiencing it in several ways. First, there was anguish for my friend, to lose her mate and best friend, after struggling so valiantly. There was also an element of "how unfair of the universe" which I realize is probably always at the heart of dealing with death. Maybe not if the person is ninety seven and dies in his sleep, but this was not the case here. K's husband was 57, (Harry's age!) and had been a healthy, practical person, a dedicated teacher, father, husband. Together he and K seem to have done everything right. A mutual friend said, just before the death, "if ever anyone deserved a miracle, it's K " and I agree. And any death, but especially one close to you, reminds you or your own inevitable death. This time, for me; there was also the thought of losing Harry. Finally there was my younger daughter - her best friend's father; someone who'd been a surrogate dad in many ways when she was younger. Her best friend dealing with the loss of a parent at far too young an age. And of course, the realization that she will one day lose her own parents. . . added to this was the knowledge that she (my daughter) had struggled with depression in her last year of HS and was adapting to a major change (life at college, far away.)

It's been some weeks now, and life has resumed for everyone. That too, is sad. I found the funeral card yesterday, under a pile of mail near the front door. The smiling photograph of K's husband. I won't see that smile again.